guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
