At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
