I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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