If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i will never coherently bang her
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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