Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
