i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
