my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
