Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
