i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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