Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
