Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
