Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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