Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
