my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
