I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
