I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
