I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
