remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
