Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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