you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
