I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
