I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
