I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
