So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
