i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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