I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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