I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
