chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
