but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I deserve this hangover.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
