If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
