my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
ok first of all what the fuck
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