Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
