It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
