i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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