you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
