I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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