no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
