Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
