He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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