so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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