I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
