I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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