puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
