I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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