I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
