Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she peed on how many people?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
