This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
