I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
