Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
