im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
