He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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