i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
