I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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