Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
