I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
