I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
These tits shall not be calmed
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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